My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
