On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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