I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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