I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
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