the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
