how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
