does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
