im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
