i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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