so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
