So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Randomize
