remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
