i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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