when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
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