"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
