Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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