i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
