I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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