Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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