people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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