I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
