You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
should my penis look like a turkey
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
