just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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