im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
