Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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