i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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