shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
zippers are such a cool invention
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
