Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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