your parents love me but you hate me
I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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