Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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