i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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