I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
