Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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