I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
