I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
