3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I am in a vortex of obligation.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I look better un-naked...
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
