There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
