I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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