my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
