I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
