Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
