he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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