I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
pop tarts are not kleenex
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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