peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
