I've blown a few things in my day
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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