Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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