You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
