i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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