don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
