I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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