the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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