he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
